You know this week I wanted to talk about restoration. How God repairs and restores what is broken and makes it knew. With spring making its appearance the evidence of God bringing new life is all around. But, there was this heaviness on my heart. This overwhelming sense that I would be fake if I spewed some story of how great everything is. Don’t get me wrong, God has completely restored my heart! I’m definitely not where I want to be but I’m not where I used to be. God is using me and bringing new blessings everyday…but something has still felt off. Until I heard this song “How to be Yours” by Chris Renzema. OMG! It’s seriously amazing! Right then I thought to myself “This is it!” the lyrics of this song are exactly how I feel. I’m sure how most of us feel.

A lot of times we don’t know how to act or how to feel. We almost feel unworthy of God and the process that this walk entails. I love the lyrics he sings “You say that you love me, don’t say that you love me. Cause I don’t know how to be yours. You say that you want me, don’t say that you want me. Cause I don’t know how to be yours.” This speaks straight to my heart because I realized that I project my hurt onto God. We have all been told we’re loved and then got our hearts broken. And it’s hard to let someone back in with every scar and wound we’ve accumulated. That’s kinda where I’m at right now. Everyday I process my feelings and it’s always changing. Life. Healing. Growing. It’s all a process.

“I still act like an orphan I guess, and my hard heart breaks to confess. That even while you hold me as I cry on the floor, I still don’t know how to be yours.” We act like orphans. Like we’re alone in this, not knowing how to accept His love and sometimes pushing away out of fear or self defense. I know many of us compare God to our earthly fathers or maybe other relationships we’ve had. We turn away from God in all our brokenness because we don’t think He will accept the mess. Through every broken situation God is right there. But I still push away in fear “I still don’t know how to be yours.” We think we have to be perfect to be loved. But God’s love is the kind of love that pulls you from your mess to turn it into your message.

The last few months have been really hard for me. Honestly, it has been the biggest struggle some days. I went through the most painful breakup and it’s brought trauma out in me that I forced myself to forget. Often times we force ourselves into isolation out of fear because we don’t see the value in who we really are. But God never called us to be “perfect” He’s called us to be real. He allows circumstances or situations to occur to let His glory and light shine through us. Without all our brokenness we wouldn’t have a reason to rely on God. Just because you are broken doesn’t mean you’re too broken for God.

“So love me or hate me, I’m not going anywhere. Leave me or take me, You still bear my signature. Know me or not, seen or forgot. I’m not walking out on you.” God will NEVER walk out on you! Period. That’s the amazing thing! Even when we don’t know how to act. When we are scared we aren’t enough. God will never leave. Stop comparing God to your earthly father or whoever hurt you in the past. Because the truth is that they are human. Humans make mistakes but God is a supernatural God! He died for you and He desires to have a close and intimate relationship with you. He is your Abba. He is never going to walk out on you.

It’s okay if you don’t know what to do. Sometimes I feel too broken for God to use. But then I remember 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 ” My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power rest on me.” God doesn’t desire perfection. He desires your pursuit. It’s okay you still don’t know how to to be His – all that matters is that you ARE His.

Ps…You are Fearfully Made

xoxo Taylor Nicole